Cats are cute :D

"One Marshmallow Now?": What Self-Regulation in Early Childhood Really Looks Like

In a quiet room, a preschooler sits at a small table. In front of her is a single marshmallow. The adult in the room gives simple instructions: "You can eat this one marshmallow now. Or-if you wait until I come back-you can have two."

The adult leaves. The child squirms. She picks up the marshmallow, sniffs it, pokes it, maybe even nibbles a corner and tries to hide the evidence.

This was the original Marshmallow Test, designed by psychologist Walter Mischel in the 1970s. A simple experiment-now iconic. What fascinated researchers wasn't just whether children waited or not, but how they waited. Some covered their eyes, some sang to themselves, some turned their chairs away. These weren't acts of defiance. They were acts of strategy-early attempts at self-regulation.

Years later, follow-up studies suggested that those who could wait longer tended to do better in school, had stronger social skills, and even made healthier life choices.

But before we draw neat conclusions, let's pause.

Later research reminded us that self-regulation is deeply shaped by a child's environment. If a child grows up in a home or community where promises are rarely kept, waiting may not feel like a smart choice. A child who grabs the marshmallow isn't necessarily impatient-they might just be realistic.

So perhaps the real lesson isn't whether a child can wait. It's whether we've created a world where waiting feels safe.

Growing the Skill, Not Expecting the Outcome

At Harvard's Center on the Developing Child, researchers describe self-regulation as part of a larger set of abilities called executive function-skills like working memory, impulse control, and flexible thinking.

These aren't "nice-to-haves." They're the foundation of learning, decision-making, and emotional resilience. But here's the catch: these capacities don't show up all at once. They're built slowly, over time, through experience and connection.

Executive Function: The Head Cook in a Busy Kitchen

Imagine a bustling kitchen during a festival. The head cook manages everything-planning the menu, organizing ingredients, coordinating helpers, and adjusting timing as dishes simmer and sizzle. If something spills or a dish needs fixing, the cook calmly adapts to keep everything on track.

In the same way, executive function is the brain's head cook. It helps children plan, focus, remember instructions, regulate emotions, and respond flexibly. Like any good cook, these skills develop over time-with guidance, practice, and a lot of support.

Just as a head cook learns from a skilled teacher, children build self-regulation by practicing alongside caring adults.

This is where co-regulation comes in. Just as the head cook relies on helpers, children rely on adults to guide them through emotional moments. When a child is frustrated, overwhelmed, or unable to focus, our calm presence teaches them what to do with those feelings. Over time, they learn not just from our words-but from the way we breathe, pause, and respond.

When Play Becomes Practice

That's exactly what researchers Elena Bodrova and Deborah Leong understood when they developed the Tools of the Mind curriculum-a playful, research-backed program to help young children build self-regulation through role play and planning.

In this approach, children engage in structured dramatic play. For instance, if they're pretending to run a market, they must follow roles: the shopkeeper waits for a customer, the buyer remembers their list, and everyone follows the rhythm of the story. These roles gently ask children to plan, wait, speak in turn, and manage impulses-all through joyful play.

Teachers coach the process, helping children use self-talk, make play plans, and reflect on their choices. Over time, children not only improve their ability to focus and cooperate, but also show gains in literacy and social-emotional awareness.

The key? No scolding. No forcing. Just playful, intentional practice.

Self-Regulation Is Not Self-Reliance

Too often, we expect young children to regulate themselves independently. But regulation isn't something we're born knowing. It's something we learn in relationship.

As the Harvard Center puts it, co-regulation is the pathway to self-regulation. In other words, children borrow our calm before they can find their own.

That might look like:

- Naming feelings: "It's okay to feel frustrated. This puzzle is tricky."
- Offering support: "Let's take a breath together before we try again."
- Giving choices: "Would you like to finish this now, or take a break?"

And if these don't work right away?

Sometimes, even the gentlest strategies won't seem to work. And that's okay.

Self-regulation is not a quick fix-it's a slow build. Especially for children who carry stress, change, or instability, it may take many repetitions, across many days, before the connection begins to take root.

In those moments, the most powerful thing we can do is stay steady. Stay kind. Stay near.

It's not about saying the right thing to calm them down. It's about becoming the safe presence they learn to trust-again and again.

Even when it doesn't look like progress, something is growing beneath the surface: safety, rhythm, expectation.

And one day-often when we least expect it-a child might take that breath on their own.

A Gentle Reminder

So maybe the question isn't "Can they wait for the marshmallow?"

Maybe it's "Can we wait with them?"

Because self-regulation doesn't grow in silence, scolding, or shame. It grows in safety. In connection. In playful repetition. In moments when a caring adult stays close-not to control, but to guide.

Children are like tiny saplings, trying to find their space and strength in a world that often moves too fast. On their own, they may bend, wobble, or struggle to grow upright. But with steady support-like a guiding stick beside a young plant-they begin to stretch upward, gathering the inner balance to stand tall.

And in time, with care and patience, that little sapling grows into something strong. Rooted. Resilient. Ready to weather the world.

References

• Mischel, W. (1972). Delay of gratification study.

• Harvard Center on the Developing Child. Executive Function and Self-Regulation.

• Bodrova, E., & Leong, D. (2007). Tools of the Mind curriculum.

• Shanker, S. (2016). Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child Break the Stress Cycle.

• Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.